Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Currently, I am sitting on my couch with my treasured little man, Caesar (my eleven year old cat) listening to some Madonna. I can say from the way my day started and how I felted for most of it, I am happy right where I am right now. When I listen to Madonna, her music takes me back to those earlier days when I was a teenager sitting on the bus with my best friend Ashley, sharing her DISC man to listen to her vast collection of Madonna CDs, joking around and just having fun. Those were times when I did not care about the people around me and just being in the moment and enjoying every second of it.

The last 24 hours, I have been in a space where I did not want to be around people but at the same time wanting to be around people. It was strange. Most of the day while at work, I just wanted to be alone. But then when I got home and I was alone, I wanted to be around people. I can not explain clearly how I felt. But today, as the feeling started up again, I started thinking about the things I would do when I was in North Bay and then I realized what was going on with me. I am missing the things I used to do around this time of the year when I was living in North Bay. Nathaniel calls it ‘Spring Fever’. I am calling it just more crazy emotional stuff to add to my already emotionally loaded plate.

However, it is true. I am happy we moved out here to Ottawa and I am starting to enjoy the experience as I slowly explore it and make friends. Leaving North Bay was good for us. We were able to leave behind us the drama, negative and stale energy. It was sad because he did have to leave some great people and places behind. The last few days, I have realized how much of some of those places I have missed. I missed my gems. Whenever I felt down or alittle out of sorts. Whether it was when I lived on Sheryl or on Ferguson, I would either jump in my car or walk down to the waterfront and spend hours there either walking, listening to music or reading on the grass. I would then stop at Twiggs, grab an Iced Chai Latte or fresh iced tea or lemonade and then walk downtown and explore all my favorite shops. I would spend hours just wondering and then return home and feel rejunvenated. I miss that.

Since moving to Ottawa, I have felt jolted out of my comfort zone and I have been working to adjust to the changes and find my new gems. When I get this way, I feel trapped. I miss our little niche in North Bay, our apartment that was only a 10 minute walk from my favorite places of the city, in a quiet and characteristic neighbourhood. Nice days like today, remind me of those days I would walk the area and take advantage of the weather. Here in Ottawa, it is crowded and conjested, plus, even if I were to take a walk – until school is done, I can not afford to just take a few hours off to go exploring. This then makes me even more anxious and desire to have a day where I can do absolutely nothing but what I want to to – which does not involve homework, housework, going to school or work.

However, I know it is just me getting in the way of myself. I know that if I schedule everything appropriately and follow through with it, I would have time to go out and explore on nice sunny days. I also know that when I get into that space where I am agitated, I can take myself out of that space by changing my mindset and pursuing positive actions so that it does not carry on into the next day. I also know that I can take time for myself when I need to and that what needs to get done will get done.

I know that I have the ability to make everyday like those days back on the bus. I know that I can return to that place of enjoying the moment and having fun with the people who matter the most to me.

If a man aspires towards a righteous life, his first act is abstinence of injury to animals.” Leo Tolstoy

I will forewarn you that while reading this blog, I am a medicore writer. I do my best to express myself in ways I know how. So please do not expect great manifestos. These are just my inner thoughts.

Today, when I was checking on the mail on my way home, I noticed a note posted on the community bulletin board. I admit that I normally stop to read these notes or advertisments etc. I may enjoy living in a hermit type lifestyle with the occassional social activity to keep myself from being completely strange.  I also enjoy watching people from afar and reading these small reminders that there is a world outside of my own. Today, this small little note reminded me of why people get me angry and why it is even more important to express what I feel so that maybe it will cause others to think.

This note was about a couple that was moving and they needed to find good homes for their two older dogs because they could not take them where they were going. The note went on to describe how wonderful these older dogs were and how they would be great companions. I had to walk away before finishing the note because I felt my ‘anger’ bubble begin to rise.

I get really upset when I hear about people taking on companion animals in their lives and then when they decide to move or have children, that dog or cat that they have developed a relationship with for 2-10 years is deemed a burden and needed to go  another ‘loving home’. Which in reality, that note will be there for the next couple of days, someone maybe able to adopt one dog or both but possibly they will have to be separated, losing a brother or a sisiter. Or when the deadline comes up both dogs will be left at a humana society will they will undergo stress, confusion and depression for a few weeks, they will develop behavourial issues due to his/her abandonment which would make it hard to be adopted. The shelter would then become full and sadly, as it happens to many animals in shelter situations, they are euthanized because those people who promised to love and care for them years decided they could not make it work to take them whereever they go. Sadly, this happens often.

I do not care what excuse anyone brings when they decide they can no longer care for their companion animal or how hard it was to make the decision. It should never be a decision. The day you decided to adopt that cat or dog you decided to bring in a senitent being into your home to become a part of your family. A senitent being who feels pain, emotion, expresses themselves and who LOVES you unconditionally. They may not speak our langauage but they do talk to us, vocally or through body language. It is up to us to listen and understand them. They become part of our lives just as we become apart of theirs. We are their world and when we abandon them we have taken that world away from them out of selfishness.  You abandoned them and that memory will stay with them forever.

When I moved from one city to where I am currently, while looking for apartments the top priority was finding a comfrotable and suitable home not only for me and my husband but for our four cats. It was very important to me that we found a place that they would enjoy too. We looked at many apartments and when topic of companion animals came up and a landlord said “No Pets” that sealed the deal that it was not a place I wanted to live nor allow my companion animals to live. For one, they are not pets. I do not own them. We live together equally and they are my responsibility but I see them as my companions, my friends, and my children. As well, when someone says “no” then that is clearly not an energy I want to be around nor allow to have affect on my life and thus my cats. They are apart of my life and their needs conincide with mine.

I advocate responsible adoption. That when we take another sentient being in your lives and open our hearts to them we are taking in a life. A life that you will share with them until the end of their days or our own. Even then you will have made plans for them to be looked after while your gone.

By the way, I like this quote because it it not only addressing not hurting animals physically but how they can also be hurt emotionally and how it is important to abstain from either forms of pain.

 

 

“My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way.” – Ernest Hemingway

I believe the preceeding quote puts it best.

This blog was created after many weeks of thought about how I can express myself in a way that was not within four walls.

Everyday, I have thoughts, ideas, feelings and make observations about life around me. Generally, I keep all of these to myself and there are only a few people who are privy to this expressive side.

However, three years ago I vowed that I would be 100% myself. I wanted to express myself because for years I kept silent and suffered inworldly because I was too afriad to allow myself to have a voice. Yet, I feel that I have only been 75%. I think that it is because I need to practice expressing myself one way before intergrating it fully into my everyday life.

This is what this blog is about. My intent to is share my inner dialogue with others to strength an ability within myself to speak to others about what I feel, observe and think. I have practiced for years to myself before a mirror or to my cats.

I will say this now, that whatever I express in this blog is by no means an attack on anyone in anyway. I am an open minded/hearted individual. There is very little I am against. But I will say this, I am against rascism, ethnocentrisim and egocentrism. I am for equality for the sexes,  human and animal rights, environmental awareness and action, planned parenting and gay/lesbain rights.

I believe that once we realize we are all ONE with a greater consiciousness all barriers will be dissolved and what ‘apparently’ separates us now will no longer exist.

I believe that life is all about choices and it is the choices that we make and how we feel about them that directs our lives.

This blog is solely meant to express myself. Sometimes what I may say may not make any sense to someone but will to others, it may be a blog about something funny I watched or heard, an experience I had, an interaction, or a insight.

This blog will be anything and everything.

So I hope you enjoy the inner monlogues of my mind.